Blessed wtih a Home

Its been a while since my last post but here is a huge update.
So much can happen in a year.
Last year this time I lived in an apartment I had lived in for over 13years. Circumstances including attending college and getting a divorce brought me to live there, and for the most part I enjoyed the space and location. I was fairly content. Then I acquired this young, out of control, upstairs neighbor that actually screamed almost hourly. This being difficult to deal with in any regular sense was complicated with my nightly work schedule and his daily existence. I went months without any sleep, trying earplugs, fans, radio, and firearm earmuffs to deal with the random screaming from upstairs. I was at my wits end. I've learned not to bother the landlord through her confrontational attitudes with others, but I had to do something. I called her out of desperation and her response was to threaten me with eviction if I didn't learn to get along with the neighbors. This was my breaking point. I started looking for a new place to live. I found and talked with several apartment and home landlords and found one I wanted by the end of the month. Just as I began to put the deposit down, I stopped and thought, what if I tried to buy a house for myself. This was a wonderful idea and I called several real estate companies to begin my search. The first lady that showed me around was not really clicking with my idea of what I was wanting, so I continued my search. I found a great fellow that seemed to understand me perfectly and was awesome. He helped me decide on the perfect house, helped me find a loan company, and walked me through the entire process. They qualified me for a government loan that was not much more than my monthly rent payments. Lets just say that this house is much more than I had expected to ever own. It is two stories, 1500 square feet, in the country, with a half-acre of land and a three car carport. Just a few months of home ownership under my belt and I am finding myself more relaxed, calmer, and getting sleep. Just when you least expect it... bad things can lead to good.

Changing?

Lately a great deal of my depression seems to have lifted. I am seeing myself becoming more friendly with the people at work. Laughing and joking with them freely without fear of judgement or reprisal. I didn't realize that I could be so outgoing. I've really had this intense shyness that threatened to envelope my entire life, like a black cloud that hovered over my head. Its been a struggle for me to get comfortable with anyone let alone become playful. I was pretty quiet throughout my marriage. I hardly ever got involved with anything. Although, I am still a loner away from work, I can see the change in me at work that I am hoping will work itself into my life in lots of other ways. Even though I am still having issues with shyness and revert back to my usual reclusive self   most of the time... There is a sense of hope :)

Hope?

For a long time I felt trapped in relationships with people...  struggling with a feeling of co-dependency. Then one day that all changed. I basically turned away from my friends and family to be alone. Learning to live alone was not at all easy. Seems that it would be easy, but the drama of family life is sort of an addicting drug. A great distraction that helps to speed our lifetime away from our direct attention. I suddenly found myself struggling with my own inner demons so to speak. Depression and loneliness I suppose were the worse, but dealing with my health and learning to take care of my own financial needs was also a great challenge. I believe that I am maturing into a routine that is healthier and more relaxed in many ways. I still feel sad sometimes that what I had hoped to become is nothing like what actually occurred in my life. My dreams are more of a disappointment than success. At least I feel a sense of freedom starting to emerge and a little hope seems to be trying to sprout... I may get through this after all.

Questions

Am I alive?
Does anyone know I am here?
What am I here for?
What keeps me living another day?
Am I here for me, or for others?
What part of me is me?
Are my desires important?
What are my desires?
Does anyone miss me? and Why?
Am I doing anything right?
Am I really free?
Are people supposed to use me?
Is it safe to get close to people?

My Long Hair Blowing in the Wind

This is my latest video. Hope you enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYYBgLk9bJg

Broken Heart?

Its confusing how I feel sometimes. I had a boyfriend that I say broke my heart. I really don't know what he did to me, I just haven't recovered from him and its been two years. I think of him always, and long to be with him constantly, to the point of great gobs of tears sometimes. You would think that at my age, I would not have these intense gooey feelings toward anyone, but I do. My heart opened to this person very intensely, he is such a sweet soul. I really fell for him so hard. He gave off this intense bad boy exterior, but when I got close, he was soft, sweet, and very gentle. Oh, I really didn't need that, just wanted him so much more. He and I worked together and were around eachother almost two years before we went out on our first date. That first kiss just melted me to the ground. I guess I fell madly in love with him, but he is not ready for anyone. It took only six months to ruin my heart. He went on to break others hearts after mine. Falling for others, and moving on after a few months. I so hurt, and want to hold him in my arms, some wonderful skin affection. I hope he find his true love, and is gloriously happy. I wish only love and happiness for him. I love him so much I could never hurt him or wish him harm. I hope to move on though, so that I can be happy. I deserve happiness too.

Home Reflected