Here is a beautiful sunrise picture I took from my apt. enjoy :)

Mom, the beginning

I've had a lifetime of trying to come to terms with my mother. I don't talk about her since I never want to sound whiny or unapreciative, and I don't really want to bother people with my baggage. Although, I wonder if baggage ever clears when it is stuffed away and never expressed. I want to try to express it. I think this blog will be a great way for me to express these feelings since each time I have placed this onto my computer, I have lost the files or the computer got a virus, or crashed. Hopefully, I will have a release with this.

I was a teen pregnancy by my mother, she was 17 and my dad 20.  They dated a year or so, and my mother had young love for him. She got pregnant... end of story. Not exactly, She told my dad through hints that she was having morning sickness... which he proceeded to have no clue about the meaning. She hinted harder, still clueless. Weeks went by, she couldn't stand it any longer, she told him directly. That ended the relationship. He ran home, while spreading rumors around school that my mother was a slut, sleeping with other guys while they dated. Embarrased and ashamed, my mother dropped out of high school, locked herself in the house, and was told to get an abortion by her mother, my grandmother. After all she had her whole life ahead of her, she didn't want to ruin her life at such a young age. I would be that ruination. Meanwhile, my mothers brothers, my unkles, were ready at her defense, looking for my dad everywhere threatening to kill him, beat him, and destroy him for causing her so much pain. My family threatened a lawsuit for underage pregnancy and child support. His family got out the big lawyers and said its not our sons. Its not his, back off whore. My mother victimized, love crushed, and depressed, dropped all charges, and crawled into a hole to get through this tragedy. While still deciding on the abortion, she had an epiphany in the clouds over the back yard one day. Seeing a vision of Jesus in the formation of the clouds that caused her neck and arm hair to stand on end. She ran to her mother hysterical. This was a revelation to her that the baby was meant to be alive. She would carry the baby to term. She spent the next nine months secluded in the house. Not even her best friend knew what happened to her.
She gained only ten pounds during the pregnancy.. my grandmother usually forcing her to eat something. The day comes. Oh, the doctor at the charity hospital is off duty tonight. Here I come anyway. Nurse what do you do with a breech birth. Uh, don't know. Try to call the doctor again, this baby is not turning, trying to come out behind first. Doctor gets there a few hours later, just in time to repair the damage. Baby out, mother torn from clitoris to anus... have to sew her up.. that had to hurt. Poor mom. Good thing, 8lb 5oz. healthy baby girl.

... to be continued.

Overcoming Photographic Fear

I have been doing very creative, artistic things since I was very young. Although with that I was born with an extremely timid personality. I received my first camera when I was five, from my favorite aunt who was working as a studio photographer at the time. I immediately began experimenting and taking photos. I posed for some shots that my same age cousin took of me with my camera. Then my mother developed the photos becoming furious with me over the waste of film and cost of processing it. I went a while after that before trying again, when I was about six. I took photos at my uncles birthday party only to get my thumb print into most of the shots... learners mistake. After the pictures were developed and the mistake was found out, I was made to be shamed for the problem I created over being the only photographer at the party and ruining the pictures. I put down the camera an didn't take another picture of anything until I was into my middle twenties. I started back with photos of landscapes of the places my husband and I drove through while we were truck driving... although I usually insisted that he take the picture as I felt I would just ruin it. He would tell me to just do it, usually in an aggravated tone, but it got me back to taking photos. Gradually I got back to having comfort behind the camera, and enjoying the experience. I still have not regained any comfort about taking pictures of people, but I suppose that is still in the future.. I guess. For now I will just enjoy what I can do... and sneak pictures of people once in awhile until I can build up my confidence again.

Work is Hell

The bar bq last night was awesome... Really enjoyed it, was cooked wonderfully and I ate till I was uncomfortable. Yay...
I clocked back in from lunch to have my manager jump down my throat.. had to keep from vomiting all that yummy food up. She makes me and most of the others miserable nightly. It is a great night when she has a sense of humor,  but you can count on her to write up everyone later that same night. She loves firing the staff, walking around gloating that she done good. Proud of herself that now we are short staffed and miserable because of her. And yeah, no intentions of hiring anyone to replace the ten or so they fired. Hey, when we have enough people, there is no reason to yell at anyone, where is the fun in that. She has to yell at someone or her head will explode. So last night was hell with all the accusations of not complying with her demands. She jumps to conclusions so quickly, you barely have time to defend yourself. Ready to fire or write me up over freight that was found by another employee, and brought to me late in the night. Requiring me to help another employee when I already had too much to do myself. And relying so heavily on a short staff that the people have stopped enjoying their job. People that usually sing and laugh, now moan nightly. Poor people, I only wish I could be helpful, but I am one of them and need help myself. Feeling so overwhelmed that I get suicidal and just want to die quick as possible. I keep saying that if God wanted everything done by one person, he would have only created one, not millions.
Pray for us...

Over work

Sometimes it is scary to think of how much I do at my job. There seems to be no limit to what they will ask for or what I will try to do for them. For example.. I worked freight off of 15 pallets out of 17 pallets that came in as new stock for the department I was in. Same night I helped make a bale of cardboard, not the easiest process, and somewhat time consuming, pulled two pallets of cardboard boxes to the crusher and crushed them. Worked three baskets of reshops, merchandise that was found in other departments, sorted and I have to put it back where it goes. And zoned my department, which is the second to largest departments in the store, housewares. I sent back six pallets of worked overstock, and two small ones not worked. I left work 1hr and 10minutes late, making for a nine hour day. For almost a year, this happened daily. We are required to cut any overtime. None is ever allowed, so it is our responsibility to do all this work and keep from having overtime... Gosh. So at the end of the week I come to work late to cut the overtime, so I won't get written up and possibly fired. I think sometimes, I am so exhausted that I will not live any longer. I have actually gone off on a couple of managers for telling me things about my quality of work, when I am doing so well that they will work me anywhere in the store, at anytime, and frequently without help. I am one of the few they will allow to have full time. They usually put me in the current challenging situation for the night. I am glad they have confidence that I can handle these crises, but what about my humanity?? Even machines break, and I think I am still human, although, I am beginning to wonder.

Sharon

Art Portfolio

I've set up a portfolio on DeviantArt, here is the link http://sharondipity.deviantart.com/
If you like art, check it out. I draw, paint and take photographs.. mostly abstract work, but I think you will enjoy it.

Cold weather

I think it's time for winter to take a summer vacation. A hard freeze again last night. Been too tired to even think again. Feel as though I am a zombie.. just going through the motions. Wondering what I am really doing with my life. Feeling sorta out of place and confused a lot of the time. No, I know my job, and I know where I live, and I know what to do from day to day in an automatic way. Just wondering why.. and could there be anything more than this, or is this just all there is? *Sigh*

Art, Work and Panic

Either I am not artistic enough or I am too artistic. It seems that something within me is too intimidated to take commissions. So, I work a labor job to survive, thus satisfying this part of me that needs to survive the real world. The day to day job world is just too frustrating, using, and abusive. I do all I can to keep up with the demands of others, but really, doesn't anyone know how to take care of anything their selves? I appreciate that people need one another, but in the job world it seems like if you were to call out a day or just be ill for a week, the whole world would cease to function and everyone’s head would explode. The urgency to perform is ridiculous. Its like there is a bomb in one of the 500 or so boxes I open, and I have the job of finding it in under 10 minutes. AAAAAHHH Boooom!!! and so my head exploded again, keeping everyone else’s heads together. Another day's useless energy spent just staying alive.

Good feelings

Mine your day for good feeling moments, like you would mine the earth for gold. Look for them everywhere, then as they are found, cherish and appreciate each one like it is gold.