Her hair is still long

My Retail Experience

Customers:
Sally Customer in the store shopping, seeing you working in an area, will often find that area you are working in irresistible and will have an overwhelmingly, compulsive need to enter that space, stand in front of you, and block all efforts made by you to complete your work task.

I used to ask if I could help them, to expedite the movement from my work area, but this would often lead to either a confrontation, or lengthy conversation that I had no room for during the course of my work.

You may say, "Why not just move over to another space and work that area." I have tried this strategy and also given it up. You see, changing the area only causes many of the people to find the new work area a new curiosity, thus causing the customer to once again move into the very area you moved into to avoid the work delay. I have found myself, moving from area to area trying to keep up with my work demands only to find the same customer keeping up with the change, standing in front of me, again blocking my movements... ,and yes, it has caused a few confrontations, initiated by the customer, concerning me being in their way. A less patient person would probably cause the customer pain in some manner.

My current strategy is to stand in place, look distraught, and sigh. Waiting for permission to return to work from the intrusive customer. Despite this I remain calm, patient, and polite. When I am allowed to return to my work, I frequently have to rush to catch up on the time lost. You see, our work performance is structured and timed, and we cannot afford to loose even one minute of delay.  Nightly we are given an arbitrary amount of  time to complete our work task. This time is variable, and very constrained, and is held over our heads to judge our performance. (explained later)

The reason I have made the person female is that it is overwhelmingly females that do this offensive thing. Don't get me wrong, males and females do this, but generally, males are much more polite, and usually do no intrude the space for any longer than it takes to get the item they are needing. Females on the other hand, will talk with others, play on their phone, or just generally stand in the space without any intention of anything else.

Detox your Pineal Gland

How to detox and decalcify your Pineal gland

Blessed wtih a Home

Its been a while since my last post but here is a huge update.
So much can happen in a year.
Last year this time I lived in an apartment I had lived in for over 13years. Circumstances including attending college and getting a divorce brought me to live there, and for the most part I enjoyed the space and location. I was fairly content. Then I acquired this young, out of control, upstairs neighbor that actually screamed almost hourly. This being difficult to deal with in any regular sense was complicated with my nightly work schedule and his daily existence. I went months without any sleep, trying earplugs, fans, radio, and firearm earmuffs to deal with the random screaming from upstairs. I was at my wits end. I've learned not to bother the landlord through her confrontational attitudes with others, but I had to do something. I called her out of desperation and her response was to threaten me with eviction if I didn't learn to get along with the neighbors. This was my breaking point. I started looking for a new place to live. I found and talked with several apartment and home landlords and found one I wanted by the end of the month. Just as I began to put the deposit down, I stopped and thought, what if I tried to buy a house for myself. This was a wonderful idea and I called several real estate companies to begin my search. The first lady that showed me around was not really clicking with my idea of what I was wanting, so I continued my search. I found a great fellow that seemed to understand me perfectly and was awesome. He helped me decide on the perfect house, helped me find a loan company, and walked me through the entire process. They qualified me for a government loan that was not much more than my monthly rent payments. Lets just say that this house is much more than I had expected to ever own. It is two stories, 1500 square feet, in the country, with a half-acre of land and a three car carport. Just a few months of home ownership under my belt and I am finding myself more relaxed, calmer, and getting sleep. Just when you least expect it... bad things can lead to good.

Changing?

Lately a great deal of my depression seems to have lifted. I am seeing myself becoming more friendly with the people at work. Laughing and joking with them freely without fear of judgement or reprisal. I didn't realize that I could be so outgoing. I've really had this intense shyness that threatened to envelope my entire life, like a black cloud that hovered over my head. Its been a struggle for me to get comfortable with anyone let alone become playful. I was pretty quiet throughout my marriage. I hardly ever got involved with anything. Although, I am still a loner away from work, I can see the change in me at work that I am hoping will work itself into my life in lots of other ways. Even though I am still having issues with shyness and revert back to my usual reclusive self   most of the time... There is a sense of hope :)

Hope?

For a long time I felt trapped in relationships with people...  struggling with a feeling of co-dependency. Then one day that all changed. I basically turned away from my friends and family to be alone. Learning to live alone was not at all easy. Seems that it would be easy, but the drama of family life is sort of an addicting drug. A great distraction that helps to speed our lifetime away from our direct attention. I suddenly found myself struggling with my own inner demons so to speak. Depression and loneliness I suppose were the worse, but dealing with my health and learning to take care of my own financial needs was also a great challenge. I believe that I am maturing into a routine that is healthier and more relaxed in many ways. I still feel sad sometimes that what I had hoped to become is nothing like what actually occurred in my life. My dreams are more of a disappointment than success. At least I feel a sense of freedom starting to emerge and a little hope seems to be trying to sprout... I may get through this after all.

Questions

Am I alive?
Does anyone know I am here?
What am I here for?
What keeps me living another day?
Am I here for me, or for others?
What part of me is me?
Are my desires important?
What are my desires?
Does anyone miss me? and Why?
Am I doing anything right?
Am I really free?
Are people supposed to use me?
Is it safe to get close to people?

My Long Hair Blowing in the Wind

This is my latest video. Hope you enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYYBgLk9bJg

Broken Heart?

Its confusing how I feel sometimes. I had a boyfriend that I say broke my heart. I really don't know what he did to me, I just haven't recovered from him and its been two years. I think of him always, and long to be with him constantly, to the point of great gobs of tears sometimes. You would think that at my age, I would not have these intense gooey feelings toward anyone, but I do. My heart opened to this person very intensely, he is such a sweet soul. I really fell for him so hard. He gave off this intense bad boy exterior, but when I got close, he was soft, sweet, and very gentle. Oh, I really didn't need that, just wanted him so much more. He and I worked together and were around eachother almost two years before we went out on our first date. That first kiss just melted me to the ground. I guess I fell madly in love with him, but he is not ready for anyone. It took only six months to ruin my heart. He went on to break others hearts after mine. Falling for others, and moving on after a few months. I so hurt, and want to hold him in my arms, some wonderful skin affection. I hope he find his true love, and is gloriously happy. I wish only love and happiness for him. I love him so much I could never hurt him or wish him harm. I hope to move on though, so that I can be happy. I deserve happiness too.

Home Reflected

Dating for me

This is the break down and scenario:
I meet guy and have an interest. We talk and go out a couple of times, or manage to talk together a few times. Interest seems mutual. I get awesome complements, texts, emails  we go out on dates, lots of talking. I respond positively and start opening up to them. Things seem to be going well. A week or so into it. I read on facebook or just have the guy tell me or someone that knows them tells me that they are dating someone they just met. Oh, they are so attached to this new somebody that I am forgotten. No more text, no more dates, no more emails, no more effort for me, in fact, they won't even talk to me again even if we run into each other. Its like they think nothing of me what so ever. They have found somebody and its not me, haha. One even dropped me for a gay girl that had no interest in him. I've had those that I like enough to be sexual with, then they run away like scared rabbits. Bye, it was good for the moment, never to be heard from again. What did I do to them. I remain confused over this. I have been repeatedly rejected by men I have dated since I got divorced over 11 years ago. I am beginning to think that men really don't like me. I tried to think it is not rejection, just not finding the right somebody. But, your know what, men are rejecting the hell out of me. I don't seem to be compatible with anyone. Maybe my husband was the only guy I will ever be connected to in a meaningful way. This saddens me.

I did manage to date a few times for over three months. One stopped dating me suddenly, and his daughter said he had gotten married to someone, while he was dating me. I broke off the relationship with the psychiatrist because I am not happy having someone yell at me. He would call or come over to start an arguement, daily. Another would watch me and cut me looks at work when I was talking to anyone except him, female or male, but would not let me talk to him either. Are all men insane? What a depressing thought. The whole dating, having a male conpanion/ best friend is just a dream, or maybe my time is up and I did all I could with my ex. Anyway, my hopes are dashed, and I feel like giving up the whole idea. I am really disappointed in the quality of the men in this world. They all seem to be out of their minds, bonkers, isnane, stressed out, and crazy.

Maybe its just me.


P.S. To quickly get rid of a guy... have sex with them after dating for months, or don't have sex with them and they leave anyway. I used to say I love you to them to make them go away... now all I do is wait and watch them leave without doing anything. They always leave, I'm pathetic.

Here is a beautiful sunrise picture I took from my apt. enjoy :)

Mom, the beginning

I've had a lifetime of trying to come to terms with my mother. I don't talk about her since I never want to sound whiny or unapreciative, and I don't really want to bother people with my baggage. Although, I wonder if baggage ever clears when it is stuffed away and never expressed. I want to try to express it. I think this blog will be a great way for me to express these feelings since each time I have placed this onto my computer, I have lost the files or the computer got a virus, or crashed. Hopefully, I will have a release with this.

I was a teen pregnancy by my mother, she was 17 and my dad 20.  They dated a year or so, and my mother had young love for him. She got pregnant... end of story. Not exactly, She told my dad through hints that she was having morning sickness... which he proceeded to have no clue about the meaning. She hinted harder, still clueless. Weeks went by, she couldn't stand it any longer, she told him directly. That ended the relationship. He ran home, while spreading rumors around school that my mother was a slut, sleeping with other guys while they dated. Embarrased and ashamed, my mother dropped out of high school, locked herself in the house, and was told to get an abortion by her mother, my grandmother. After all she had her whole life ahead of her, she didn't want to ruin her life at such a young age. I would be that ruination. Meanwhile, my mothers brothers, my unkles, were ready at her defense, looking for my dad everywhere threatening to kill him, beat him, and destroy him for causing her so much pain. My family threatened a lawsuit for underage pregnancy and child support. His family got out the big lawyers and said its not our sons. Its not his, back off whore. My mother victimized, love crushed, and depressed, dropped all charges, and crawled into a hole to get through this tragedy. While still deciding on the abortion, she had an epiphany in the clouds over the back yard one day. Seeing a vision of Jesus in the formation of the clouds that caused her neck and arm hair to stand on end. She ran to her mother hysterical. This was a revelation to her that the baby was meant to be alive. She would carry the baby to term. She spent the next nine months secluded in the house. Not even her best friend knew what happened to her.
She gained only ten pounds during the pregnancy.. my grandmother usually forcing her to eat something. The day comes. Oh, the doctor at the charity hospital is off duty tonight. Here I come anyway. Nurse what do you do with a breech birth. Uh, don't know. Try to call the doctor again, this baby is not turning, trying to come out behind first. Doctor gets there a few hours later, just in time to repair the damage. Baby out, mother torn from clitoris to anus... have to sew her up.. that had to hurt. Poor mom. Good thing, 8lb 5oz. healthy baby girl.

... to be continued.

Overcoming Photographic Fear

I have been doing very creative, artistic things since I was very young. Although with that I was born with an extremely timid personality. I received my first camera when I was five, from my favorite aunt who was working as a studio photographer at the time. I immediately began experimenting and taking photos. I posed for some shots that my same age cousin took of me with my camera. Then my mother developed the photos becoming furious with me over the waste of film and cost of processing it. I went a while after that before trying again, when I was about six. I took photos at my uncles birthday party only to get my thumb print into most of the shots... learners mistake. After the pictures were developed and the mistake was found out, I was made to be shamed for the problem I created over being the only photographer at the party and ruining the pictures. I put down the camera an didn't take another picture of anything until I was into my middle twenties. I started back with photos of landscapes of the places my husband and I drove through while we were truck driving... although I usually insisted that he take the picture as I felt I would just ruin it. He would tell me to just do it, usually in an aggravated tone, but it got me back to taking photos. Gradually I got back to having comfort behind the camera, and enjoying the experience. I still have not regained any comfort about taking pictures of people, but I suppose that is still in the future.. I guess. For now I will just enjoy what I can do... and sneak pictures of people once in awhile until I can build up my confidence again.

Work is Hell

The bar bq last night was awesome... Really enjoyed it, was cooked wonderfully and I ate till I was uncomfortable. Yay...
I clocked back in from lunch to have my manager jump down my throat.. had to keep from vomiting all that yummy food up. She makes me and most of the others miserable nightly. It is a great night when she has a sense of humor,  but you can count on her to write up everyone later that same night. She loves firing the staff, walking around gloating that she done good. Proud of herself that now we are short staffed and miserable because of her. And yeah, no intentions of hiring anyone to replace the ten or so they fired. Hey, when we have enough people, there is no reason to yell at anyone, where is the fun in that. She has to yell at someone or her head will explode. So last night was hell with all the accusations of not complying with her demands. She jumps to conclusions so quickly, you barely have time to defend yourself. Ready to fire or write me up over freight that was found by another employee, and brought to me late in the night. Requiring me to help another employee when I already had too much to do myself. And relying so heavily on a short staff that the people have stopped enjoying their job. People that usually sing and laugh, now moan nightly. Poor people, I only wish I could be helpful, but I am one of them and need help myself. Feeling so overwhelmed that I get suicidal and just want to die quick as possible. I keep saying that if God wanted everything done by one person, he would have only created one, not millions.
Pray for us...

Over work

Sometimes it is scary to think of how much I do at my job. There seems to be no limit to what they will ask for or what I will try to do for them. For example.. I worked freight off of 15 pallets out of 17 pallets that came in as new stock for the department I was in. Same night I helped make a bale of cardboard, not the easiest process, and somewhat time consuming, pulled two pallets of cardboard boxes to the crusher and crushed them. Worked three baskets of reshops, merchandise that was found in other departments, sorted and I have to put it back where it goes. And zoned my department, which is the second to largest departments in the store, housewares. I sent back six pallets of worked overstock, and two small ones not worked. I left work 1hr and 10minutes late, making for a nine hour day. For almost a year, this happened daily. We are required to cut any overtime. None is ever allowed, so it is our responsibility to do all this work and keep from having overtime... Gosh. So at the end of the week I come to work late to cut the overtime, so I won't get written up and possibly fired. I think sometimes, I am so exhausted that I will not live any longer. I have actually gone off on a couple of managers for telling me things about my quality of work, when I am doing so well that they will work me anywhere in the store, at anytime, and frequently without help. I am one of the few they will allow to have full time. They usually put me in the current challenging situation for the night. I am glad they have confidence that I can handle these crises, but what about my humanity?? Even machines break, and I think I am still human, although, I am beginning to wonder.

Sharon

Art Portfolio

I've set up a portfolio on DeviantArt, here is the link http://sharondipity.deviantart.com/
If you like art, check it out. I draw, paint and take photographs.. mostly abstract work, but I think you will enjoy it.

Cold weather

I think it's time for winter to take a summer vacation. A hard freeze again last night. Been too tired to even think again. Feel as though I am a zombie.. just going through the motions. Wondering what I am really doing with my life. Feeling sorta out of place and confused a lot of the time. No, I know my job, and I know where I live, and I know what to do from day to day in an automatic way. Just wondering why.. and could there be anything more than this, or is this just all there is? *Sigh*

Art, Work and Panic

Either I am not artistic enough or I am too artistic. It seems that something within me is too intimidated to take commissions. So, I work a labor job to survive, thus satisfying this part of me that needs to survive the real world. The day to day job world is just too frustrating, using, and abusive. I do all I can to keep up with the demands of others, but really, doesn't anyone know how to take care of anything their selves? I appreciate that people need one another, but in the job world it seems like if you were to call out a day or just be ill for a week, the whole world would cease to function and everyone’s head would explode. The urgency to perform is ridiculous. Its like there is a bomb in one of the 500 or so boxes I open, and I have the job of finding it in under 10 minutes. AAAAAHHH Boooom!!! and so my head exploded again, keeping everyone else’s heads together. Another day's useless energy spent just staying alive.

Good feelings

Mine your day for good feeling moments, like you would mine the earth for gold. Look for them everywhere, then as they are found, cherish and appreciate each one like it is gold.