Just being myself
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Broken Heart?
Its confusing how I feel sometimes. I had a boyfriend that I say broke my heart. I really don't know what he did to me, I just haven't recovered from him and its been two years. I think of him always, and long to be with him constantly, to the point of great gobs of tears sometimes. You would think that at my age, I would not have these intense gooey feelings toward anyone, but I do. My heart opened to this person very intensely, he is such a sweet soul. I really fell for him so hard. He gave off this intense bad boy exterior, but when I got close, he was soft, sweet, and very gentle. Oh, I really didn't need that, just wanted him so much more. He and I worked together and were around eachother almost two years before we went out on our first date. That first kiss just melted me to the ground. I guess I fell madly in love with him, but he is not ready for anyone. It took only six months to ruin my heart. He went on to break others hearts after mine. Falling for others, and moving on after a few months. I so hurt, and want to hold him in my arms, some wonderful skin affection. I hope he find his true love, and is gloriously happy. I wish only love and happiness for him. I love him so much I could never hurt him or wish him harm. I hope to move on though, so that I can be happy. I deserve happiness too.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Dating for me
This is the break down and scenario:
I meet guy and have an interest. We talk and go out a couple of times, or manage to talk together a few times. Interest seems mutual. I get awesome complements, texts, emails we go out on dates, lots of talking. I respond positively and start opening up to them. Things seem to be going well. A week or so into it. I read on facebook or just have the guy tell me or someone that knows them tells me that they are dating someone they just met. Oh, they are so attached to this new somebody that I am forgotten. No more text, no more dates, no more emails, no more effort for me, in fact, they won't even talk to me again even if we run into each other. Its like they think nothing of me what so ever. They have found somebody and its not me, haha. One even dropped me for a gay girl that had no interest in him. I've had those that I like enough to be sexual with, then they run away like scared rabbits. Bye, it was good for the moment, never to be heard from again. What did I do to them. I remain confused over this. I have been repeatedly rejected by men I have dated since I got divorced over 11 years ago. I am beginning to think that men really don't like me. I tried to think it is not rejection, just not finding the right somebody. But, your know what, men are rejecting the hell out of me. I don't seem to be compatible with anyone. Maybe my husband was the only guy I will ever be connected to in a meaningful way. This saddens me.
I did manage to date a few times for over three months. One stopped dating me suddenly, and his daughter said he had gotten married to someone, while he was dating me. I broke off the relationship with the psychiatrist because I am not happy having someone yell at me. He would call or come over to start an arguement, daily. Another would watch me and cut me looks at work when I was talking to anyone except him, female or male, but would not let me talk to him either. Are all men insane? What a depressing thought. The whole dating, having a male conpanion/ best friend is just a dream, or maybe my time is up and I did all I could with my ex. Anyway, my hopes are dashed, and I feel like giving up the whole idea. I am really disappointed in the quality of the men in this world. They all seem to be out of their minds, bonkers, isnane, stressed out, and crazy.
Maybe its just me.
P.S. To quickly get rid of a guy... have sex with them after dating for months, or don't have sex with them and they leave anyway. I used to say I love you to them to make them go away... now all I do is wait and watch them leave without doing anything. They always leave, I'm pathetic.
I meet guy and have an interest. We talk and go out a couple of times, or manage to talk together a few times. Interest seems mutual. I get awesome complements, texts, emails we go out on dates, lots of talking. I respond positively and start opening up to them. Things seem to be going well. A week or so into it. I read on facebook or just have the guy tell me or someone that knows them tells me that they are dating someone they just met. Oh, they are so attached to this new somebody that I am forgotten. No more text, no more dates, no more emails, no more effort for me, in fact, they won't even talk to me again even if we run into each other. Its like they think nothing of me what so ever. They have found somebody and its not me, haha. One even dropped me for a gay girl that had no interest in him. I've had those that I like enough to be sexual with, then they run away like scared rabbits. Bye, it was good for the moment, never to be heard from again. What did I do to them. I remain confused over this. I have been repeatedly rejected by men I have dated since I got divorced over 11 years ago. I am beginning to think that men really don't like me. I tried to think it is not rejection, just not finding the right somebody. But, your know what, men are rejecting the hell out of me. I don't seem to be compatible with anyone. Maybe my husband was the only guy I will ever be connected to in a meaningful way. This saddens me.
I did manage to date a few times for over three months. One stopped dating me suddenly, and his daughter said he had gotten married to someone, while he was dating me. I broke off the relationship with the psychiatrist because I am not happy having someone yell at me. He would call or come over to start an arguement, daily. Another would watch me and cut me looks at work when I was talking to anyone except him, female or male, but would not let me talk to him either. Are all men insane? What a depressing thought. The whole dating, having a male conpanion/ best friend is just a dream, or maybe my time is up and I did all I could with my ex. Anyway, my hopes are dashed, and I feel like giving up the whole idea. I am really disappointed in the quality of the men in this world. They all seem to be out of their minds, bonkers, isnane, stressed out, and crazy.
Maybe its just me.
P.S. To quickly get rid of a guy... have sex with them after dating for months, or don't have sex with them and they leave anyway. I used to say I love you to them to make them go away... now all I do is wait and watch them leave without doing anything. They always leave, I'm pathetic.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Mom, the beginning
I've had a lifetime of trying to come to terms with my mother. I don't talk about her since I never want to sound whiny or unapreciative, and I don't really want to bother people with my baggage. Although, I wonder if baggage ever clears when it is stuffed away and never expressed. I want to try to express it. I think this blog will be a great way for me to express these feelings since each time I have placed this onto my computer, I have lost the files or the computer got a virus, or crashed. Hopefully, I will have a release with this.
I was a teen pregnancy by my mother, she was 17 and my dad 20. They dated a year or so, and my mother had young love for him. She got pregnant... end of story. Not exactly, She told my dad through hints that she was having morning sickness... which he proceeded to have no clue about the meaning. She hinted harder, still clueless. Weeks went by, she couldn't stand it any longer, she told him directly. That ended the relationship. He ran home, while spreading rumors around school that my mother was a slut, sleeping with other guys while they dated. Embarrased and ashamed, my mother dropped out of high school, locked herself in the house, and was told to get an abortion by her mother, my grandmother. After all she had her whole life ahead of her, she didn't want to ruin her life at such a young age. I would be that ruination. Meanwhile, my mothers brothers, my unkles, were ready at her defense, looking for my dad everywhere threatening to kill him, beat him, and destroy him for causing her so much pain. My family threatened a lawsuit for underage pregnancy and child support. His family got out the big lawyers and said its not our sons. Its not his, back off whore. My mother victimized, love crushed, and depressed, dropped all charges, and crawled into a hole to get through this tragedy. While still deciding on the abortion, she had an epiphany in the clouds over the back yard one day. Seeing a vision of Jesus in the formation of the clouds that caused her neck and arm hair to stand on end. She ran to her mother hysterical. This was a revelation to her that the baby was meant to be alive. She would carry the baby to term. She spent the next nine months secluded in the house. Not even her best friend knew what happened to her.
She gained only ten pounds during the pregnancy.. my grandmother usually forcing her to eat something. The day comes. Oh, the doctor at the charity hospital is off duty tonight. Here I come anyway. Nurse what do you do with a breech birth. Uh, don't know. Try to call the doctor again, this baby is not turning, trying to come out behind first. Doctor gets there a few hours later, just in time to repair the damage. Baby out, mother torn from clitoris to anus... have to sew her up.. that had to hurt. Poor mom. Good thing, 8lb 5oz. healthy baby girl.
... to be continued.
I was a teen pregnancy by my mother, she was 17 and my dad 20. They dated a year or so, and my mother had young love for him. She got pregnant... end of story. Not exactly, She told my dad through hints that she was having morning sickness... which he proceeded to have no clue about the meaning. She hinted harder, still clueless. Weeks went by, she couldn't stand it any longer, she told him directly. That ended the relationship. He ran home, while spreading rumors around school that my mother was a slut, sleeping with other guys while they dated. Embarrased and ashamed, my mother dropped out of high school, locked herself in the house, and was told to get an abortion by her mother, my grandmother. After all she had her whole life ahead of her, she didn't want to ruin her life at such a young age. I would be that ruination. Meanwhile, my mothers brothers, my unkles, were ready at her defense, looking for my dad everywhere threatening to kill him, beat him, and destroy him for causing her so much pain. My family threatened a lawsuit for underage pregnancy and child support. His family got out the big lawyers and said its not our sons. Its not his, back off whore. My mother victimized, love crushed, and depressed, dropped all charges, and crawled into a hole to get through this tragedy. While still deciding on the abortion, she had an epiphany in the clouds over the back yard one day. Seeing a vision of Jesus in the formation of the clouds that caused her neck and arm hair to stand on end. She ran to her mother hysterical. This was a revelation to her that the baby was meant to be alive. She would carry the baby to term. She spent the next nine months secluded in the house. Not even her best friend knew what happened to her.
She gained only ten pounds during the pregnancy.. my grandmother usually forcing her to eat something. The day comes. Oh, the doctor at the charity hospital is off duty tonight. Here I come anyway. Nurse what do you do with a breech birth. Uh, don't know. Try to call the doctor again, this baby is not turning, trying to come out behind first. Doctor gets there a few hours later, just in time to repair the damage. Baby out, mother torn from clitoris to anus... have to sew her up.. that had to hurt. Poor mom. Good thing, 8lb 5oz. healthy baby girl.
... to be continued.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Overcoming Photographic Fear
I have been doing very creative, artistic things since I was very young. Although with that I was born with an extremely timid personality. I received my first camera when I was five, from my favorite aunt who was working as a studio photographer at the time. I immediately began experimenting and taking photos. I posed for some shots that my same age cousin took of me with my camera. Then my mother developed the photos becoming furious with me over the waste of film and cost of processing it. I went a while after that before trying again, when I was about six. I took photos at my uncles birthday party only to get my thumb print into most of the shots... learners mistake. After the pictures were developed and the mistake was found out, I was made to be shamed for the problem I created over being the only photographer at the party and ruining the pictures. I put down the camera an didn't take another picture of anything until I was into my middle twenties. I started back with photos of landscapes of the places my husband and I drove through while we were truck driving... although I usually insisted that he take the picture as I felt I would just ruin it. He would tell me to just do it, usually in an aggravated tone, but it got me back to taking photos. Gradually I got back to having comfort behind the camera, and enjoying the experience. I still have not regained any comfort about taking pictures of people, but I suppose that is still in the future.. I guess. For now I will just enjoy what I can do... and sneak pictures of people once in awhile until I can build up my confidence again.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Work is Hell
The bar bq last night was awesome... Really enjoyed it, was cooked wonderfully and I ate till I was uncomfortable. Yay...
I clocked back in from lunch to have my manager jump down my throat.. had to keep from vomiting all that yummy food up. She makes me and most of the others miserable nightly. It is a great night when she has a sense of humor, but you can count on her to write up everyone later that same night. She loves firing the staff, walking around gloating that she done good. Proud of herself that now we are short staffed and miserable because of her. And yeah, no intentions of hiring anyone to replace the ten or so they fired. Hey, when we have enough people, there is no reason to yell at anyone, where is the fun in that. She has to yell at someone or her head will explode. So last night was hell with all the accusations of not complying with her demands. She jumps to conclusions so quickly, you barely have time to defend yourself. Ready to fire or write me up over freight that was found by another employee, and brought to me late in the night. Requiring me to help another employee when I already had too much to do myself. And relying so heavily on a short staff that the people have stopped enjoying their job. People that usually sing and laugh, now moan nightly. Poor people, I only wish I could be helpful, but I am one of them and need help myself. Feeling so overwhelmed that I get suicidal and just want to die quick as possible. I keep saying that if God wanted everything done by one person, he would have only created one, not millions.
Pray for us...
I clocked back in from lunch to have my manager jump down my throat.. had to keep from vomiting all that yummy food up. She makes me and most of the others miserable nightly. It is a great night when she has a sense of humor, but you can count on her to write up everyone later that same night. She loves firing the staff, walking around gloating that she done good. Proud of herself that now we are short staffed and miserable because of her. And yeah, no intentions of hiring anyone to replace the ten or so they fired. Hey, when we have enough people, there is no reason to yell at anyone, where is the fun in that. She has to yell at someone or her head will explode. So last night was hell with all the accusations of not complying with her demands. She jumps to conclusions so quickly, you barely have time to defend yourself. Ready to fire or write me up over freight that was found by another employee, and brought to me late in the night. Requiring me to help another employee when I already had too much to do myself. And relying so heavily on a short staff that the people have stopped enjoying their job. People that usually sing and laugh, now moan nightly. Poor people, I only wish I could be helpful, but I am one of them and need help myself. Feeling so overwhelmed that I get suicidal and just want to die quick as possible. I keep saying that if God wanted everything done by one person, he would have only created one, not millions.
Pray for us...
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