Questions

Am I alive?
Does anyone know I am here?
What am I here for?
What keeps me living another day?
Am I here for me, or for others?
What part of me is me?
Are my desires important?
What are my desires?
Does anyone miss me? and Why?
Am I doing anything right?
Am I really free?
Are people supposed to use me?
Is it safe to get close to people?

My Long Hair Blowing in the Wind

This is my latest video. Hope you enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYYBgLk9bJg

Broken Heart?

Its confusing how I feel sometimes. I had a boyfriend that I say broke my heart. I really don't know what he did to me, I just haven't recovered from him and its been two years. I think of him always, and long to be with him constantly, to the point of great gobs of tears sometimes. You would think that at my age, I would not have these intense gooey feelings toward anyone, but I do. My heart opened to this person very intensely, he is such a sweet soul. I really fell for him so hard. He gave off this intense bad boy exterior, but when I got close, he was soft, sweet, and very gentle. Oh, I really didn't need that, just wanted him so much more. He and I worked together and were around eachother almost two years before we went out on our first date. That first kiss just melted me to the ground. I guess I fell madly in love with him, but he is not ready for anyone. It took only six months to ruin my heart. He went on to break others hearts after mine. Falling for others, and moving on after a few months. I so hurt, and want to hold him in my arms, some wonderful skin affection. I hope he find his true love, and is gloriously happy. I wish only love and happiness for him. I love him so much I could never hurt him or wish him harm. I hope to move on though, so that I can be happy. I deserve happiness too.

Home Reflected

Dating for me

This is the break down and scenario:
I meet guy and have an interest. We talk and go out a couple of times, or manage to talk together a few times. Interest seems mutual. I get awesome complements, texts, emails  we go out on dates, lots of talking. I respond positively and start opening up to them. Things seem to be going well. A week or so into it. I read on facebook or just have the guy tell me or someone that knows them tells me that they are dating someone they just met. Oh, they are so attached to this new somebody that I am forgotten. No more text, no more dates, no more emails, no more effort for me, in fact, they won't even talk to me again even if we run into each other. Its like they think nothing of me what so ever. They have found somebody and its not me, haha. One even dropped me for a gay girl that had no interest in him. I've had those that I like enough to be sexual with, then they run away like scared rabbits. Bye, it was good for the moment, never to be heard from again. What did I do to them. I remain confused over this. I have been repeatedly rejected by men I have dated since I got divorced over 11 years ago. I am beginning to think that men really don't like me. I tried to think it is not rejection, just not finding the right somebody. But, your know what, men are rejecting the hell out of me. I don't seem to be compatible with anyone. Maybe my husband was the only guy I will ever be connected to in a meaningful way. This saddens me.

I did manage to date a few times for over three months. One stopped dating me suddenly, and his daughter said he had gotten married to someone, while he was dating me. I broke off the relationship with the psychiatrist because I am not happy having someone yell at me. He would call or come over to start an arguement, daily. Another would watch me and cut me looks at work when I was talking to anyone except him, female or male, but would not let me talk to him either. Are all men insane? What a depressing thought. The whole dating, having a male conpanion/ best friend is just a dream, or maybe my time is up and I did all I could with my ex. Anyway, my hopes are dashed, and I feel like giving up the whole idea. I am really disappointed in the quality of the men in this world. They all seem to be out of their minds, bonkers, isnane, stressed out, and crazy.

Maybe its just me.


P.S. To quickly get rid of a guy... have sex with them after dating for months, or don't have sex with them and they leave anyway. I used to say I love you to them to make them go away... now all I do is wait and watch them leave without doing anything. They always leave, I'm pathetic.

Here is a beautiful sunrise picture I took from my apt. enjoy :)

Mom, the beginning

I've had a lifetime of trying to come to terms with my mother. I don't talk about her since I never want to sound whiny or unapreciative, and I don't really want to bother people with my baggage. Although, I wonder if baggage ever clears when it is stuffed away and never expressed. I want to try to express it. I think this blog will be a great way for me to express these feelings since each time I have placed this onto my computer, I have lost the files or the computer got a virus, or crashed. Hopefully, I will have a release with this.

I was a teen pregnancy by my mother, she was 17 and my dad 20.  They dated a year or so, and my mother had young love for him. She got pregnant... end of story. Not exactly, She told my dad through hints that she was having morning sickness... which he proceeded to have no clue about the meaning. She hinted harder, still clueless. Weeks went by, she couldn't stand it any longer, she told him directly. That ended the relationship. He ran home, while spreading rumors around school that my mother was a slut, sleeping with other guys while they dated. Embarrased and ashamed, my mother dropped out of high school, locked herself in the house, and was told to get an abortion by her mother, my grandmother. After all she had her whole life ahead of her, she didn't want to ruin her life at such a young age. I would be that ruination. Meanwhile, my mothers brothers, my unkles, were ready at her defense, looking for my dad everywhere threatening to kill him, beat him, and destroy him for causing her so much pain. My family threatened a lawsuit for underage pregnancy and child support. His family got out the big lawyers and said its not our sons. Its not his, back off whore. My mother victimized, love crushed, and depressed, dropped all charges, and crawled into a hole to get through this tragedy. While still deciding on the abortion, she had an epiphany in the clouds over the back yard one day. Seeing a vision of Jesus in the formation of the clouds that caused her neck and arm hair to stand on end. She ran to her mother hysterical. This was a revelation to her that the baby was meant to be alive. She would carry the baby to term. She spent the next nine months secluded in the house. Not even her best friend knew what happened to her.
She gained only ten pounds during the pregnancy.. my grandmother usually forcing her to eat something. The day comes. Oh, the doctor at the charity hospital is off duty tonight. Here I come anyway. Nurse what do you do with a breech birth. Uh, don't know. Try to call the doctor again, this baby is not turning, trying to come out behind first. Doctor gets there a few hours later, just in time to repair the damage. Baby out, mother torn from clitoris to anus... have to sew her up.. that had to hurt. Poor mom. Good thing, 8lb 5oz. healthy baby girl.

... to be continued.

Overcoming Photographic Fear

I have been doing very creative, artistic things since I was very young. Although with that I was born with an extremely timid personality. I received my first camera when I was five, from my favorite aunt who was working as a studio photographer at the time. I immediately began experimenting and taking photos. I posed for some shots that my same age cousin took of me with my camera. Then my mother developed the photos becoming furious with me over the waste of film and cost of processing it. I went a while after that before trying again, when I was about six. I took photos at my uncles birthday party only to get my thumb print into most of the shots... learners mistake. After the pictures were developed and the mistake was found out, I was made to be shamed for the problem I created over being the only photographer at the party and ruining the pictures. I put down the camera an didn't take another picture of anything until I was into my middle twenties. I started back with photos of landscapes of the places my husband and I drove through while we were truck driving... although I usually insisted that he take the picture as I felt I would just ruin it. He would tell me to just do it, usually in an aggravated tone, but it got me back to taking photos. Gradually I got back to having comfort behind the camera, and enjoying the experience. I still have not regained any comfort about taking pictures of people, but I suppose that is still in the future.. I guess. For now I will just enjoy what I can do... and sneak pictures of people once in awhile until I can build up my confidence again.

Work is Hell

The bar bq last night was awesome... Really enjoyed it, was cooked wonderfully and I ate till I was uncomfortable. Yay...
I clocked back in from lunch to have my manager jump down my throat.. had to keep from vomiting all that yummy food up. She makes me and most of the others miserable nightly. It is a great night when she has a sense of humor,  but you can count on her to write up everyone later that same night. She loves firing the staff, walking around gloating that she done good. Proud of herself that now we are short staffed and miserable because of her. And yeah, no intentions of hiring anyone to replace the ten or so they fired. Hey, when we have enough people, there is no reason to yell at anyone, where is the fun in that. She has to yell at someone or her head will explode. So last night was hell with all the accusations of not complying with her demands. She jumps to conclusions so quickly, you barely have time to defend yourself. Ready to fire or write me up over freight that was found by another employee, and brought to me late in the night. Requiring me to help another employee when I already had too much to do myself. And relying so heavily on a short staff that the people have stopped enjoying their job. People that usually sing and laugh, now moan nightly. Poor people, I only wish I could be helpful, but I am one of them and need help myself. Feeling so overwhelmed that I get suicidal and just want to die quick as possible. I keep saying that if God wanted everything done by one person, he would have only created one, not millions.
Pray for us...

Over work

Sometimes it is scary to think of how much I do at my job. There seems to be no limit to what they will ask for or what I will try to do for them. For example.. I worked freight off of 15 pallets out of 17 pallets that came in as new stock for the department I was in. Same night I helped make a bale of cardboard, not the easiest process, and somewhat time consuming, pulled two pallets of cardboard boxes to the crusher and crushed them. Worked three baskets of reshops, merchandise that was found in other departments, sorted and I have to put it back where it goes. And zoned my department, which is the second to largest departments in the store, housewares. I sent back six pallets of worked overstock, and two small ones not worked. I left work 1hr and 10minutes late, making for a nine hour day. For almost a year, this happened daily. We are required to cut any overtime. None is ever allowed, so it is our responsibility to do all this work and keep from having overtime... Gosh. So at the end of the week I come to work late to cut the overtime, so I won't get written up and possibly fired. I think sometimes, I am so exhausted that I will not live any longer. I have actually gone off on a couple of managers for telling me things about my quality of work, when I am doing so well that they will work me anywhere in the store, at anytime, and frequently without help. I am one of the few they will allow to have full time. They usually put me in the current challenging situation for the night. I am glad they have confidence that I can handle these crises, but what about my humanity?? Even machines break, and I think I am still human, although, I am beginning to wonder.

Sharon

Art Portfolio

I've set up a portfolio on DeviantArt, here is the link http://sharondipity.deviantart.com/
If you like art, check it out. I draw, paint and take photographs.. mostly abstract work, but I think you will enjoy it.

Cold weather

I think it's time for winter to take a summer vacation. A hard freeze again last night. Been too tired to even think again. Feel as though I am a zombie.. just going through the motions. Wondering what I am really doing with my life. Feeling sorta out of place and confused a lot of the time. No, I know my job, and I know where I live, and I know what to do from day to day in an automatic way. Just wondering why.. and could there be anything more than this, or is this just all there is? *Sigh*

Art, Work and Panic

Either I am not artistic enough or I am too artistic. It seems that something within me is too intimidated to take commissions. So, I work a labor job to survive, thus satisfying this part of me that needs to survive the real world. The day to day job world is just too frustrating, using, and abusive. I do all I can to keep up with the demands of others, but really, doesn't anyone know how to take care of anything their selves? I appreciate that people need one another, but in the job world it seems like if you were to call out a day or just be ill for a week, the whole world would cease to function and everyone’s head would explode. The urgency to perform is ridiculous. Its like there is a bomb in one of the 500 or so boxes I open, and I have the job of finding it in under 10 minutes. AAAAAHHH Boooom!!! and so my head exploded again, keeping everyone else’s heads together. Another day's useless energy spent just staying alive.

Good feelings

Mine your day for good feeling moments, like you would mine the earth for gold. Look for them everywhere, then as they are found, cherish and appreciate each one like it is gold.

Food

Food is not fattening, is not slimming, it is just food and neutral. So I eat it with joy knowing it is there to enjoy and to nourish me :)
I have had different things to learn about eating, of which this is the latest. I am not sure how to get over all the intolerance's I have, but I think the above statement will be a great help in staying focused on what I want. I genuinely believe food is neutral, and it is our thoughts about what we are eating, through past association, that brings us to a place of resistance and grief. Overcoming that resistance is the key to anything in life, but starting one subject at a time is where I have to go to get started on this path.

Artistic

My definition of Artistic: Pursuing something, anything, with love, joy, and creative inspiration. This may include formulaic creation as long as it is within the person's creative capabilities. If the person is a wonderful, creative artist, pushing the boundaries of their craft and they choose a work of lesser personal esteem to sell for monetary sake only. They have defiled themselves, sold out, and stopped being an artist or artistic. Just my opinion.

Videos

Hey,
 I've been making videos lately on youtube. I am really enjoying the learning process. You see I had never made a video before, so each video I make is a new experience. I am getting a little better each time I make one. I am also enjoying the process of learning something new. I try to do something new each time I make a new video. I've learned to respond to comments, edit videos, lighting, uploading, friend request, etc. So much to learn.
 I have also noticed that making the videos cheers up my mood. I get happy within the first ten minutes of creating one. I never expected that and think it is a great advantage.
 The videos are general life experiences. Just sharing myself, things that happen to me. My hair is long and I show it in videos. I have also learned how to edit pictures together, so I can scan in artwork and feature it in a video with music. I really like to do that.
 If you are interested in checking out what I have been learning... here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/user/sharondipity1313?feature=mhsn

Let me know what you think... feedback can help me learn and get better as I keep doing them.

Zodiac Sign Change?

This isn't the newest news but its new to me. My sign may not be the one I've always thought it was. I do like to read about astrology and the signs and had never heard about a 13th sign. The constallation Ophiuchus, the sun passes through it from Nov 29 through Dec 17. Now I have a new sign to discover that seems to describe my qualities a bit better than Sagittarius ever did. Honestly, Sagittarius always confused me and made me feel uncomfortable. It never fit the real diversity that I felt within. Ophiuchus description is much closer to a real description of who I have discovered myself to be. Interesting.


The Qualities of Ophiuchus are:

interpreter of dreams, vivid premonitions,

attracts good luck and fruitful blessings,

serpent holder, lofty ideals,

a seeker of peace and harmony,

doctor of medicine or science, natural-pathic,

adds, increases, joins, or gathers together

poetical, inventive nature, expanding qualities,

seeks higher education and wisdom,

overseer, supervisor of work,

fame - either grand, or completely misunderstood,

longevity, aspirations of healing the ills of man,

architect, builder, reaches for the stars, figuratively and literally,

tax assessor, or levys taxes,

astrological talents, intuitive,

large family indicated, but apt to be separated from them when young,

the number twelve holds great significance, 

foresight and good fortune to benefit from hard times,

has secret enemies in family or close associations,

many jealous of this subject,

notable father, apple of father's eye when young,

high position in life expected [depending on aspects] highest fame and legend comes after death

feelings of granular, wise, genius mentality,

likes to wear clothing of vibrant colors, and plaids in particular,

receives the favor of those in authority.

Also, due to the earth's wobble, Your sign may not be the one originally described when the signs were originally established. Here is a possible correction for the dates. See if this describes your qualities with more accuracy.

New Zodiac Dates:
Here's your new sign below:
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

Who Am I?

  I am an artist, but live in the real world. Working for a living and not starving is important. My life is pretty quiet, but I like it. I meditate, read, learn anything I can like a sponge. I am a little recluse and enjoy it for the most part. I have existed for what feels like a thousand years, and I am still here. I love discovery of the new and unusual and usually find it everywhere. Sometimes, I need dynamite to get me off the couch, but dynamite happens. Other times I can be found, going everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and not stopping to sleep. When I finally stop... its time to sleep. Its all good and it is who I am. A bit of a contradiction, but who isn't. Smart, cute, whitty. I give and receive lots of attention and affection with friends. I am patient and love patient people. I have diverse taste in the world... love variety in all things, even work. I am a realist with a flair for extreme creativity (As seen in my art). I think a lot, and live in my mind alot... explains the times when I am quiet. Breaking into my world takes patience, persistance, and a little push. Being my friend is your choice of challenge, and well worth it. I may seem distant on the surface sometimes, but deep inside is a center core of pure love. I love being me, its all good.

My Art

Hey,
I've made a couple of videos featuring my art. I couldn't decide on a song, so there are two versions of them with the same art but with different songs. They are both fun to watch, one just features the pieces a little longer to keep in time with the song. I hope you enjoy them.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sharondipity1313?feature=mhum#p/u/7/1nqXXDPrfn8
http://www.youtube.com/user/sharondipity1313?feature=mhum#p/u/8/J6IOohACt_U
Sharon

My Long Hair

  I've been making vlogs for fun lately and this last one is just about my hair. I've been learning the video making process as I go. Teaching myself how to edit and how to talk to the camera. I'm trying to get over a great deal of shyness, and I think I may have found a way to do that with these videos.
http://www.youtube.com/user/sharondipity1313?feature=mhum
You tell me what I can do to improve the video.. and yes I already know I need a better camera.
Thanks,
Sharon

Car parts strapped to a car

  Yes, I had an accident in my car about a month ago. With all the traffic in the Wal-Mart parking lot.. it was a little difficult to avoid. Anyway, I have finally gotten up the courage to repair the car. The insurance backed out of assisting me in any way with the cost, even though it was a no fault accident. No tickets were issued and nobody disobeyed any rules... it just happened. So the cost is coming out of my pocket... the need for courage.
  The fellow that sold me the car is a mechanic and body man. Well he was more than willing to assist me with the repairs... yay!! Yesterday he went to several junk yards and found an entire front end for a car a year older than my car. Looks a little different but at least no damage. He was going to pick up a pickup truck from his brother, but that fell through when he had to find another junk yard in the opposite direction. The junk yard he was going to, sold the front end he was coming to get. So change of plans, and no truck to pick up an entire front end... bumper, fenders, hood, etc.. So what he did was funny and odd... he strapped all the parts onto the roof and into the trunk of his car. I laughed so hard when I saw his car with my hood strapped to the roof of his car and the trunk had parts popping out of it everywhere. I wish I had thought to take pictures.
  Right now the parts are in my tiny apt.. I am looking at the hood in my dining area and the bumper is leaning against the TV. I did take a video of it and post it on youtube. Sometimes my life gets pretty ridiculous and kinda funny.
  He called a little while ago, he just woke up and will be over after a few cups of coffee. This will be an all day project I suppose. Lots of parts. Anyway, when I get up to go to work tonight it should be finished if everything goes well. I will dub my new car, Frankencar for the time being, until I get it painted. At least it won't look like it was on the loosing side of a fight anymore.

Clouds (My first ever blog)

   Today is rainy. I like it when it is cloudy. The way I see it, clouds are the way God decorates the sky for us. It is something for the sun to reflect on and to give the sky some contrast. The air currents in the clouds provide them with wonderful patterns. The clouds break up sunlight in the setting times so wonderfully. I find the sky so beautiful and compelling during these times. Although, it is always a beautiful sky when the clouds are loose and fluffy and full of patterns.
  I took a few photos of the morning sky today. I do this often and post the pics on facebook. I am thinking of  make a video for my youtube account also. As an artist, I find myself wanting to share all the wonderful beauty that I see in the world. I am learning just how to do that, a little at a time.
  Everyone can take a few minutes to just look up and see the beauty in the sky. It is an awesome thing.
Have a great day